Sometimes bad things happen to good people

This is a sad one. It happened quite a while ago, maybe a couple years. I had a patient who had some kind of skin and tissue disease where large ulcers appeared all over and just grew in size and couldn't be stopped. Sort of like necrotizing fasciitis, but widespread in random spots. I don't remember what it was called. He was a bilateral amputee with an extremely poor prognosis. He'd been in the hospital for a long, long time trying different therapies and surgeries until all options were exhausted and it was time to admit defeat.

Sadly, this man was young with a wife and teenage son. And even in the face of such an unfair life outcome, he was so kind and happy and fun. He could talk forever and laugh and joke. Sometimes he would get emotional, understandably, and open up to the nurses about how hard it all was. But before long, he was back to his happy self. His wife was just as friendly... Bringing food for the nurses and being kind and upbeat.

It finally got to the point it was time for comfort care. He was placed on a morphine drip and everything was discontinued and his loving family was at his side 24/7. He was becoming weaker, but his personality stayed strong.

One night around 2 am, he suddenly developed severe dyspnea and his sats dropped to the 50s. Now that I think about it, I think his illness was some type of coagulation disorder, so I think he might have had a PE. His wife and sister-in-law were there. We initially put a nasal cannula on him, mostly by reflex but also in hopes it would make him more comfortable. But his sats continued to drop and his pulse rate plummeted until the finger pulse ox couldn't read it anymore. He remained dyspneic and it became clear to me what was happening. I looked up at the wife, who looked a little panicked, and calmly warned her and her sister that they needed to prepare themselves as it looked like it may be his time. Instantly, a calm came over his wife as she realized this is what they'd been expecting, and it meant the end of his suffering. She quietly moved to his side where he mumbled something about being unable to breathe. She held his hand and told him she was there and it was okay for him to go now. His sister-in-law stood on the other side trying to keep her sobs quiet. The wife continued to talk to him calmly until he passed and then she dropped her head and cried. All of us cried and hugged each other... I was literally sobbing. That patient meant a lot to all of us, but seeing how brave his wife was for him and watching him fade away was so hard.

I know you're not supposed to take this stuff home with you, but as soon as I pulled into my parking spot at home, I burst into tears. The family invited all the nurses to the funeral actually. I didn't go, but I think some did.

I'm not sure I'll be able to forget that night any time soon, if ever. This profession isn't for everyone, and sometimes I wonder why I got into it. But then I remember all the good we do, all the people we help, whether it's to heal or to die with dignity. Either way, I'm happy I'm a nurse, even on the nights when it kills me to be one.

- Bella, RN